Pippin: Psychiatrist in the Making
by Ode2Joy
Summary: When Pippin is being carried away by the Uruk-hai, he starts to get a little insight into the world of Orcs. Strangeness ensues...
1. A Peek into the Minds of Orcs

Pippin: Psychiatrist in the Making  
  
Story rated PG-13 for the very real possibility (Knowing myself) that some vivid descriptions of violence are likely to appear at some point or another.  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I do not own anything!  
  
Pippin had been slung over the back of the running Uruk-hai for three days now. His arms ached from holding all of the weight of his little Hobbit body. He looked at Merry. Still sleeping. Merry could have slept anywhere, even the rancid smell of the Orcs couldn't keep him awake. Or the hunger, or the thirst, or the pain in the shoulders. Pippin remembered the time Merry had almost drowned because he decided to take a nap while going for a swim. So at this point, with Merry sleeping like the dead, Pippin only had the babble of the Orcs for company. The Orc that was dead in front of Pippin's ride was complaining to the one carrying Merry.  
  
"And then my wife said that if I hadn't plundered that village by supper time, she wouldn't let me eat my maggot pie!"  
  
"Oh My Sauron! Jeez, Ugluk. That really is miserable! And this was right before you went off to war?"  
  
"Why yes, dear Grishnakh. What I would give for some maggot pie now. All we've got is this bread. What monster expects us to eat this filth!"  
  
The Orc that carried Pippin piped up, "Maggot pie! Ugluk, you'd plunder a village for just one pie! I'd demand a few tasty rats on sticks from my wife if I had to plunder an entire village myself!"  
  
"Lugdush, you have the best wife of all of us. And your little monsters, how be they faring?" questioned Grishnakh.  
  
Lugdush thought wistfully to himself about his disgusting family, which he had left behind in the Hithaeglir Mountains. "Well, young Mudslush had just gutted his first man when I left."  
  
"Growin' up to be a fine Orc I wager," commented Ugluk.  
  
Pippin shivered in disgust.  
  
Lugdush continued, "Indeed Mudslush is. I am concerned about Nutglush though. A few weeks ago, he actually managed to catch an Elf! Well, of course I was proud as I could be, until I realized that he had no intention of killing the Elf! He kept it in a cage like a pet. He dressed it up and," Lugdush shuddered, "and he would BRUSH ITS HAIR!"  
  
Ugluk gasped and Grishnakh gagged.  
  
Lugdush didn't stop there, he kept going. "It was horrible. Plus, the Elf was one noisy bastard! He was all 'You can't feed me this! I'm an Elf!' and 'You can't brush my hair with anything less than sterling silver! You know I'm sensitive to steel! I'm an Elf for the love of Mirkwood!' Well, after a few days, Nutglush just let it go, he couldn't take the complaining any more. He didn't even kill it!" Lugdush sighed, then let out a strangled sob.  
  
Pippin stifled a giggle. "So that's where Legolas disappeared to right after we left Rivendell," He thought to himself.  
  
Grishnakh patted him on the back. "It's all right, man. You can't win them all."  
  
Ugluk looked thoughtfully at Lugdush. "Well," Ugluk started carefully, "maybe what we need to do, is find an outside opinion on how to fix your boy to grow up into a proper Orc."  
  
That was when Pippin got an idea. 


	2. Crossing the Line

Note to all readers: I haven't updated this in months because I didn't really have high hopes for it. Recently I noticed that it had accumulated a few reviews and people wanted to know what happens next. Well here you all go. I don't really have any idea of where to go with this; I just like the idea of Pippin mouthing off to the Orcs. If any of you have any ideas at all, please, share them with me. I'll do my best to update this as often as possible.  
  
Pippin spoke up at once. " I think I can help!"  
  
Lugdush glanced back at the body he had been carrying for the past 3 days. "And what do you know about Orcs, pathetic Halfling?"  
  
Pippin, unfazed, answered, "Why, I've been in the company of Orcs for about 72 hours now! I feel I've learned quite a bit. Enough to help you with your troublesome boy even!"  
  
Lugdush roared at Pippin. "You have no right to say ANYTHING about my son!"  
  
Pippin again replied with no fear in his voice. "Yes, yes, I suppose I was out of line. Though, I do have some advice for you."  
  
Grishnakh stared at Pippin with a grim fascination, while shrugging his shoulders with the weight of Merry on top of him. Merry gave a loud snore.  
  
Ugluk was the first one that responded, "What have you to say?"  
  
Lugdush kicked Ugluk then turned again, "Yes, what have you to say, Hobbit?"  
  
Pippin waited for a moment to build up the suspense, then he finally started. "You need to talk to your family more, Lugdush. Obviously, your boy isn't killing and looting his little black heart out as a cry for help. I bet he wants more attention from his father."  
  
"I can see what you're saying, freakish little non-evil thing, but I can't help going to war."  
  
"Well, you could have faked your death or something. You would have, if you really loved your son."  
  
Grishnakh spoke up for the first time. "So if Lugdush really loved Nutglush, then he'd pretend to be dead? I don't think I follow."  
  
"I suppose you wouldn't," Pippin said snidely.  
  
Ugluk spat on the ground, "Cocky little bastard, isn't he?"  
  
"I'm right here you know!" Pippin called out.  
  
Grishnakh, "And what do we care if you hear? We're gonna eat your legs anyway!"  
  
"You see, that's your problem. It's always about the maiming. Where's the love?"  
  
When Pippin spoke these words he knew he crossed the line. Lugdush turned about and snarled at him just as Ugluk beat him over the head with the stale bread, which was now hard as granite. Everything went black. 


	3. Ewwww, intestines

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Note: Hey everyone! This story is becoming more and more fun to write, so anticipate a few more chapters soon enough. REVIEWS would encourage me to continue, if you follow me. (HINT HINT). 3 days till ROTK!  
  
When Pippin came to, he was tied up and lying on the ground. A fire surrounded by Orcs crackled near by. Next to him was Merry, snoring once again. Pippin sighed and called out quietly, "Merry!"  
  
Merry mumbled in his sleep, "Pass the pudding please."  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes, "Oh for the love of." He picked up a rock with his mouth and spat it at Merry. It missed by a long shot, but it landed with a hollow plop.  
  
Pippin looked up surprised and wormed over to where the rock had landed. To his disgust he found a hollowed out body of an Orc.  
  
Pippin curled his lip, "Ewwww, intestines."  
  
Then, gleaming in the light radiating from the fire, Pippin saw a knife. Without hesitation, Pippin tossed his arms over the knife, cutting the cords holding his arms together. Then his legs. He then did the same for Merry, who still did not stir. Then, with the air of a famous dignitary, Pippin strolled right up to the Orc campfire. 


	4. Your Negligence

Disclaimer: I don't own Pippin or any of the Orcs, you know the drill.  
  
Note: Yeah, another short chapter. I dunno, I just can't write long chapters for this story. Anyway, I hope it's enjoyable nonetheless! Also, I hope everyone had a pleasant holiday/LOTR season! (to be PC) And PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
Lugdush cried out in fury, "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GET OUT OF YOUR BONDS?!"  
  
Pippin shrugged, "Your negligence."  
  
Lugdush rose, but Ugluk pulled at him to sit back down.  
  
Pippin folded his hands behind his back, "It has come to my understanding that you fellows are lacking in somewhat of a social training. If you get into an argument, you rip the guy's guts out. Now, that may be all well and good where you come from, but if you're going to Isengard you're gonna have to start acting like civilized monsters!"  
  
Grishnakh wiped his dripping nose with his sleeve, "What, you're saying we're not civilized?"  
  
Pippin grimaced, "Ummm, bluntly stated, yes."  
  
Ugluk raised his brow, "And what do you think you can do about this?"  
  
Pippin gave a wide grin, "Just you wait and see." 


	5. 2 plus 2 equals 5

Disclaimer: Don't own Pippin, Merry, or any of the Orcs.  
  
Note: Hey hey! Not much to say really, so enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
3 hours had passed. Pippin still sat at the campfire speaking to the Orcs. Merry's snoring body lay draped over one of the logs that Pippin and the Orcs were sitting on.  
  
Lugdush rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "Now let me get this straight. Say another Orc is standing right in front of me. And I have to get passed him. You're saying that I don't rip out his spine and strangle him with it?"  
  
Pippin rubbed his temples exasperatedly, "No, no, NO! You simply say 'Excuse me' and brush right on past him. No punching, or kicking, or blood letting, or CANNABALISM!" Pippin looks sharply at Grishnakh.  
  
Grishnakh picked his teeth with a bone. "He was giving me sass!"  
  
Pippin lost his patience, "YOU WERE PULLING HIS HAIR!"  
  
"IT HADN'T BEEN WASHED FOR DAYS!"  
  
Pippin goggled at him. "You. every-.. Smell. Unbearable! WHY?!"  
  
Ugluk sneered at Pippin, "Why?! Why do you care so much about our manners?"  
  
Pippin looked at him indignantly, "I have to spend a lot of time with you brutes and it would help me personally if you all simply behaved a bit better! Besides, I'm the teacher, it's my JOB to care."  
  
Ugluk gave Pippin a blank look.  
  
Pippin pipes up again, "Also, you're all dumb as stumps. You guys need some leadership!"  
  
"Hey, that's not nice! I should make a necklace from your teeth and watch you try to gum through your food!" cried Lugdush as he scribbled "2+2=5" in the dust at his feet.  
  
Pippin saw the demented math and shook his head. They had a lot more work to do. 


	6. Whalloped

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't sue me.  
  
Note: The argument between Pippin and Grishnakh in this chapter actually happened to me, except it was over a wallet, not entrails. Guess which one I was! Lol. Also, see if you can spot the Monty Python reference. It's pretty damned obvious, so it should be easy. And PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
"Excuse me, but would you please pass the entrails?"  
  
"Very good! Why, yes, here you go!" Pippin passed Lugdush the pile of entrails they had found.  
  
Grishnakh spoke up, "Gimmie the damned filthy entrails!"  
  
Pippin looked him square in the eye, "Not until you use the magic word!"  
  
Grishnakh snarled, "NOW!"  
  
Ugluk elbowed Grishnakh and said through a mouthful of entrails, "Comon, just ask nicely!"  
  
"GIVE IT TO ME NOW OR I'LL HIT YOU!"  
  
Pippin countered, "Not until you ask me nicely!"  
  
"GIVE IT TO ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Grishnakh let out a scream of frustration and walloped Pippin in the face. Pippin throttled backwards and landed on top of Merry. Merry bolted awake.  
  
After looking around confused, Merry said, "Hey, Pip, whatcha doin'?"  
  
Pippin rubbed his face, he had a black eye, "Well hello sleeping beauty! I was just teaching these ingrates some manners!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
Pippin whispered in Merry's ear, "So they don't eat us!" Pippin cleared his throat, "My friends! This is Dr. Meriadoc and he shall be assisting me in assessing your character! He shall help me in explaining why you're such mean cruel tempered creatures!"  
  
Lugdush raised his eyebrows, "He's a doctor?"  
  
Pippin turns away, "Well, he's had a basic medical training."  
  
"I'll tell you why we're like this! It's because we're Orcs!" exclaimed Ugluk.  
  
Pippin gasped, "THAT'S RACIAL PROFILING! How dare you say such a thing! People should not be defined by their race!"  
  
Merry giggled as he finally caught on, "Dr. Pippin, we sure have our work cut out for us!"  
  
Another note: I know that the story is jumping around from teaching manners to psychology, but please bear with me. I'm making this up as I go, and have absolutely no plans for it until I sit down and write. I think (and hope) I have a way to tie it all together. 


	7. Displaced Anger

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Note: I don't really like this chapter, but I've been trying to finish it for quite some time. Today I finally just forced it out. Maybe that'll clear up the writer's block that's been hounding me! Hopefully, you guys will enjoy it and that's really all that matters. And PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
Lugdush suddenly snapped to attention, "Wait, wait, wait! If you are gonna assess our characters, why have you spent so much time teaching us manners?!"  
  
"So it would be easier to work with you of course!" Pippin said unabashed.  
  
"You made me hit you over my manners and you say that wasn't even the point?! What the hell is wrong with you, man?" grumbled Grishnakh through a mouthful of entrails.  
  
Pippin sighed, "Please don't talk with your mouth full!"  
  
Ugluk gave him that one eyebrow up look, "Do you have OCD?"  
  
Pippin paused from desperately scrubbing the dirt out from under his fingernails, "NO!"  
  
"Well, after that march, I deserve a laugh. Go on, Halfling, assess my character!" demanded Ugluk.  
  
"Oh, um, you see..... Dr. Meriadoc! What are your thoughts?"  
  
Merry walked up to Ugluk, grabbed his face and looked him in the eyes. Then, without warning, Merry grabbed Ugluk's tongue and pulled. Ugluk cried out in pain and Merry released him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I'll Orc you good!" Ugluk raised his fist.  
  
Merry ducked the punch and made a clucking sound, "My prognosis is that he has displaced anger. What do you think, Dr. Peregrin?"  
  
Pippin stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Perhaps, the question would be the root of this displaced anger?"  
  
"Maybe the fact that the sleepy, curly-headed Halfling nearly ripped out my tongue!"  
  
Pippins picked up a rock and tossed it up and down in one hand, "No, no, no. That can't be it, you Orcs have a rather thick hides, thus your pain tolerance is extremely high. Observe."  
  
Pippin chucked the rock at another Orc that is just sitting on the edge of Fanghorn. It hit the poor guy square in chest. He jumped to his feet and began screaming and fighting with some other Orc.  
  
Merry looks at the fighting Orcs thoughtfully, "I think they have displaced anger too."  
  
Extra Note: For those of you who don't know, OCD means "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" 


End file.
